How can I improve my communication in my relationships?

There are 4 aspects of healthy communication in relationships. 

1. 1. Your communication with yourself about yourself
   2. Your communication with yourself about the other person
   3. How you express yourself to the other person
   4. How you listen to the other person

Each aspect is an article in and of itself, but here I will try and give the essence of each aspect. 

Getting on the same page…

If you’ve read any of my writings you will be aware that everything I do is based on a way of looking at human behaviour that is very different from how the world tends to look at it. 

In our world we judge others (and our own) behaviours/actions as good or bad, right or wrong. We might not use these words but they are implied. For example, “I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that” or “he should’ve let me know ahead of time”. Implied in these thoughts is “I did something wrong or he did something wrong”. Which is accompanied by feelings of guilt or anger. 

This right/wrong consciousness is the number one reason why we have so much conflict in our relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. 

I’m committed to living a new consciousness. It is one that doesn’t judge right or wrong but rather looks for the needs or yearnings that motivate our actions and words. 

This ‘needs consciousness’ is based on one belief – that all human action is motivated by our desire to meet one or more of our universal human needs. 

Needs like love, safety, belonging, freedom, authenticity and contribution. 

When we can welcome this needs consciousness into our minds and hearts then our relationships can be transformed in the most beautiful of ways. 

All of this article, and my work, strives to come from this new consciousness. Keep that in mind (and in heart) as you read.

It can be helpful to imagine a conflict or argument that you’ve had recently with someone as you read the following. Take a moment now to think of one. 

1. Your communication with yourself about yourself

All of us judge others but perhaps the person we judge most is ourselves. “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I should’ve acted differently” and “what’s wrong with me!?” Any of these familiar?

Self-judgment, although very painful, is not a bad thing. It is a gate that we need to walk through to see what’s waiting for us on the other side. 

Any judgment is a signpost that reads “there is something that is important to me here, a need that I’d really like to meet”. 

So when you think of the conflict situation ask yourself the following questions:

• At the moment of my upset, what was really important to me, what need of mine wasn’t being met? Perhaps my need for being seen and heard, for being considered, for full self-expression, for having freedom of choice?

2. Your communication with yourself about the other person

Instead of asking ourselves the question – what did they do wrong? – we can ask ourselves a different question. 

• What do I suppose was really important for them that drove them to do what they did? Maybe they were trying to give support or care, experience their own autonomy, increase their sense of safety?
• What were they going through at the time? Perhaps they were tired, stressed, hurt?

3. How you express yourself to the other person

If you want to talk about the conflict, after things have calmed down, then let these points guide what you say:

• Focus on what was important for you, what needs of yours weren’t met. You might say “I was really needing to be seen and considered”
• Preface what you say with something like “My intention is not to blame you, it’s to share honestly and openly and hopefully to create more connection between us”. 

4. How you listen to the other person  

Invite them to share their own experience. As they do try to:

• Breathe… It might sound very much like they are blaming
• Listen for their needs that they were trying to meet at the time

I have a full article on this here.

Put this into practice slowly. Take one thing that speaks to you and try it. You are literally going against generations of communication in relationships that creates distance rather than connection.

Go slow, breathe and be kind to yourself.