In this article I’d like to talk about how we can be kinder to ourselves. 

I’ll be taking you through a process that you’ll be able to use with yourself. 

The process is more effective when we first understand why we are often so unkind to ourselves.

Why is it so common to be unkind to ourselves?

If you notice a voice in your head which says things like

• You’re not enough
• You’re too lazy
• You’re not getting enough done
• You’re too fat
• You need to be more selfless

…then know that you are not alone. In my experience all of humanity has a voice like this in their head and what that voice says is pretty similar for the majority of people. 

And it’s a tragedy that this is the way things are because this voice creates so much pain and suffering for us. It can even lead us into states of depression. 

But it’s even more of a tragedy because this voice is actually trying to communicate something positive, something supportive to us but it doesn’t know how. 

In the world of nonviolent communication, which is what I teach, this voice is known as the animal jackal. 

The jackal really wants the best for us but what it says actually comes out as a stinging judgment. 

Instead of saying “I’d so want you to feel good and connected to all of your inner strength and resources” it says “you’re too fat”. 

The jackal voice is really wanting us to feel good and to be connected to ourselves. But it uses a communication style it has learnt from the world it has grown up in – namely, if I make myself feel enough fear or guilt or shame then maybe I’ll change. 

What I want from my communication with myself

I want to find a much more direct and honest way of communicating with myself. I want to be in touch with what I really want and bypass all the shame and guilt and fear. 

If I want to feel better in my body and more connected to the power that lies within me then I want to be in touch with that desire. I want to skip the “I’m too lazy”, “I’m not good enough” and “I need to be more like her”. In my experience, all this does to me is make me feel depressed and leads me away from my inner strength. 

This process I call going from self-judgment to self-dream. From a painful judgment to a real wish that I have for myself. 

There are 4 steps: Note, Feel, Caress, Express

1. Note

When you notice yourself feeling down, sad, depressed, tired, contracted, disconnected it is a sign that you might be talking to yourself like a jackal – in self-judgments. 

Once you notice this, try and note or name the thought that you just told yourself. You can ask yourself  “what did I hear myself just say to myself before I started to feel depressed/de-energised?”

Note or name the thought and write it down. 

E.g. “I’m not getting enough done”

There is something calming about writing down the thought. It no longer is circulating around our heads unhinged. It is now grounded and we can look at it and learn what life-serving message it really contains. 

2. Feel

When you say this thought to yourself, notice what it feels like in your body.

The sensations will likely be unpleasant. It’s OK. It’s normal. Welcome them and breathe. Your body is communicating to you. It is showing you the impact of this type of thinking and how much it yearns to be talked to differently. 

3. Caress

If there was a kind, life-serving message underneath the self-judgment what might that be? 

I find it helpful to look at a list of needs (here’s one for you). 

Each jackal thought is an attempt to care for us by meeting one or more of our needs. 

I find it helpful to begin with the words “I really just want to support you….”

E.g. “I’m not getting enough done”

What might the message be underneath this?

“I really just want to support us in remembering how much you love contributing to the well-being of others.”

Or…

“I really just want us to remember that we are already enough, our self-worth is already full”.

This process of caressing the jackal is one of helping ourselves understand what we are really wanting for ourselves. 

When we do this we’ll find that the initial jackal judgment changes into a wish for ourselves. 

This wish we call a giraffe statement. A giraffe statement is a way of communicating that directly connects us with our needs. How is a giraffe connected to our needs? Giraffe’s are the land animal with the biggest heart, and needs are really the yearnings of our heart. 

4. Express

Say the initial jackal judgment to yourself and notice how it feels in the body. 

“You are not enough”

Now take the caressed jackal judgment (which is now a giraffe) and say it to yourself. Notice how it feels in the body. 

“I really just want to support you in remembering how much you love contributing to the well-being of others.”

Or…

“I really just want us to remember that we are already enough, our self-worth is already full”.

…

Summing up…

When you notice yourself feeling down or depressed or low on energy, turn inward and notice what you are saying to yourself:

1. Note – what am I saying to myself?
2. Feel – how does it feel in my body?
3. Caress – what is the life-serving message underneath?
4. Express – say it to myself and notice how it feels…

We are all conditioned to think many things about ourselves. Sadly many of these things are not kind. This process is one of reversing that conditioning. We begin to find kinder messages to share with ourselves and slowly, slowly, the older messages transmute into life-serving ones.

I’d be very glad to hear any questions or what resonated for you in this article.